How to talk

Today a woman asked me, “how do you feel about (highly-controversial issue)? Are you on (one side) or (the other)?”

Pause.

Me: “Well, I, gravitate toward (one perspective).” She said, “oh….” then launched into a one-way run-on sentence from “facts” off the internet supporting the other side, hers.

After a very long time, I said. “Well, I think that sums up your opinion very clearly!” I am pretty sure she is not an expert but has memorized the bullet points. 

Other people aren’t backboards to pummel with rapid-fire tennis balls. You gotta lob ideas back and forth, take turns touching the subject. Try to avoid hitting the ball back to yourself each turn.

A while back, I emailed a local newspaper columnist. I didn’t care for his opinions, style of writing, content, and I was pretty sure I didn’t like him either. But, I didn’t say all that. I just picked one small area and said, respectfully, “you ever thought about a hammer over a drill, or a pancake in a pear tree?” Meaning, I objected to a couple of his statements. He wrote me back and respectfully received what I said. It was very civilized, we understood we had different experiences with reality. I continued to loath his column. I don’t remember if I wrote him again, and then a long time later, he wrote me and invited me to be a part of an upcoming Spreading Kindness event, a place for people to learn how to talk to each other. 

This is the Spreading Kindness bullet list on how to have political discussions with people of opposing views:

• Speak your truth, but accept that others will not agree.
• Don’t interrupt someone who is speaking.
• Don’t make a personal statement with an implied criticism.
• Repeat back what you heard someone say and ask questions to clarify.
• Avoid generalized, polarizing, “headline” or “bullet-point” statements.
• Admit the flaws in the position of your “side”.
• Use terminology such as “I believe…” rather that stating something as fact that may be disputed.
• Don’t argue. Use terminology like “Another view of that is…” or “I read an article that had a different perspective on that…”

A couple days ago, I was in a dental chair getting my teeth cleaned, and suddenly I was involved in a discussion about mass shootings and gun control. I didn’t bring it up, it arrived organically. The hygienist knows people dead or maimed from a shooting spree that happened in Oregon. She told of her losses and I responded with comments like, “ahhhhhh. Ohhhhhhh. Ughhhhhhh. Mmmmmmm. Sighhhhhhhh.” I had tools in my mouth and it worked fine. Guess the exact words don’t always matter.

It might sound bad, dental cleaning and a chat about violent crimes and gun control. It was totally fine. It did bring up politics, viewpoints, cultural differences. But, more importantly, it was humans being human and having real connection through not being afraid to talk openly.

She apologized for getting political, as people often do, and I said, “don’t apologize.”

We are told we shouldn’t talk about politics at work. Or at family gatherings. Or with mixed company. Not at church either. Or sporting events. Don’t talk about politics. We are told to skip it, step around it, avoid it.

Who benefits from this? The ones who tell you not to talk. Because discussions expose ideas, opinions, understandings, maybe even facts. What could be wrong with this?

The silence motto doesn’t benefit the people, except the people in power.