Suddenly it hits you, you’ve aged. Today’s blog is about aging beautifully.
I spoke with Ilene Cummings, 85, who leads workshops about aging with grace: aging beautifully. This is part of her work as a human development counselor and retreat leader.
“You have to learn to love yourself in spite of what is happening to your face,” Ilene said. There needs to be a place to talk about it. “We don’t say, omigod, what’s happening to my face?! But, we think about it.” She wants to facilitate the conversation.
Ilene thinks it’s best to get a jump on aging well, before you actually get old. She said that “aging beautifully is a function of how you have lived. It is very dependent on doing personal work. You have to decide if you want to age beautifully. It’s not going to happen automatically. Not in our youth culture.”
You have to put in the daily effort, like most things that are worthwhile.
Here are Ilene’s three guidelines to help people age beautifully:
1. Give up your attachment to being young. It’s a lot of work to keep a lie going. Be authentic. Be real. It takes a lot of balls to be yourself as an older person. You have to be honest to grow. Practice forgiveness. If you are beating yourself up all the time, how can you accept yourself?
2. Be willing to change. Be active in self examination. You have to constantly adapt to a current or new situation.
3. Find meaning. Go deep. Find those that you truly connect with. For example, Ilene has a friend who she has great conversations with.
“All this extraordinary stuff comes out and I can meet her. It’s worth a million dollars to both of us,” Ilene enthused. “We talk about God, animals, art, death. Nothing has really changed; however, I feel amazing after our visits.”
One thing that starts to happen when you get older- you began paring down. For example, you stop driving at night. This greatly limits integration. A lot of networking and social events happen in the evening. Make efforts to socialize in ways that you can. Ilene believes socializing is essential.
“Somebody might love knitting- they need to find a knitting group. Socializing is a must do. You absolutely have to get out. People need such events so that they have to present themselves; they have to wash their face. It is easier to stay home but it’s not in your best interest. There is a tendency for older people to crumble up within and sort of wait to die.”
Ilene emphasizes, “Take care of yourself. Respect yourself. Start young and keep respecting yourself.” When Ilene was very young she felt well cared for by her mother. She thinks this taught her the value of good self care. She never forgets that her well-being and health matter.
Ilene said, “I ask people about how their parents aged. Regardless of what you’ve been exposed to, aging beautifully is up to you. This is your job. You have to make friends with your aging self. Or else you are doomed; you are fighting it. I am getting older and everyone else knows I am getting older. When we don’t accept that we are looking older, we become a caricature.”
I asked Ilene, what is the reward?
“I think it’s why I am living longer, feeling good about myself, being willing to honestly state my age. If you hate your age, it will show on your your face. Most people hate growing old. I don’t buy into the idea that you are losing it, or that you aren’t sexy anymore. At the same time, I am very aware of the losses that come with aging. It is hard to start this work when you are already aging. The earlier you start with your own process, the better it will go.”
